


How To Fake Being Gay (For Assholes)

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Zombies, BAMF Michonne, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Negan Being Negan, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8713675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: All Rick wants is to have a normal life. Then Negan decides to drag him into a fake relationship on national television. That asshole.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not a regan? reagan? shipper but i do think this tag needed some fluff (my friend also challenged me to write a fluff cracky fic with this pairing so CHALLENGE ACCEPTED). this is not edited so don't sue me.

PART ONE

'O Rick, Rick, wherefore art thou Rick?'

 

 

It’s exactly 5AM when Rick wakes up. There’s nothing special about it, except for the fact that he’s _awake_.

_At 5AM._

He’s usually asleep for at least two more hours before he’s a working, functioning adult and not acting like a whiny, bitter and useless adolescent.

He wants nothing more than to crawl back into the warm comfort of his bed and become dead to the world again, _seriously for at least another two hours_ , but the problem is, the world hates him.

Actually, _technology_ hates him. More specifically his stupid phone. It hasn’t stopped buzzing, ringing, _existing_ all night.

Rick prides himself on having a fair amount of friends, _good friends_ , but he shouldn’t be this popular on a Monday morning. His friends don’t _like_ him that much anyways. Hell, he doesn’t like them that much either. So what gives?

He lied.

He loves his friends.

And he hopes and prays that they love him as well. He fully expects them to kidnap him one night and sacrifice his soul to Martha Stewart for being such a clueless loser. Daryl’s exact words, not his. And how does Daryl even _know_ about Martha Stewart? Rick’s guess is that he secretly owns all her cookbooks and sobs as he tries to boil water properly.

He can totally picture it. And now he can’t _stop_ picturing it.

His phone farts again to distract him.

_Farts._

Abraham installed an app called _‘Fart First, Ring Later’_ and thought it would be hilarious to set it as Rick’s ringtone whenever someone texts, emails or leaves a voicemail. Imagine the humiliation when he forgets to put his phone on silent during a lecture and it starts farting when the professor is trying to explain the Laws of Physics. He thinks Abraham purposely texted him fifty times in that class. It’s just a theory.

Let’s just say the professor had a long talk with him after class, saying something along the lines of _‘are you sure you don’t have explosive diarrhea? I know someone you can take care of that’_.

Um, gross! 

He’s never been so embarrassed in his life and as he retells the story later, Abraham laughs so hard his face turns a bright red apple color. Daryl snorts. Maggie rolls her eyes. Glenn looks confused. Carol does what Carol does and _asks_ him if he really did have diarrhea. And Michonne gives everyone an unimpressed look.

So basically the norm.

He’s just glad Rosita wasn’t there to curse him in out in Spanish. Or have Morgan give a speech about the importance of taking care of one’s body. And he definitely _doesn’t_ need Sasha’s judgy stares.

He groans. _How is this his life?_

He picks his phone off the nightstand, ignores his screaming bladder and stares at all of his missed notifications. At first he thinks that Glenn has started watching _Game of Thrones_ again and wants to give Rick a detailed report on his love for Jon Snow’s hair but this is something different entirely. There’s fifteen missed calls. Eight voicemails. Hundred and eight texts. Fifty two new emails.

Don’t people go to sleep anymore?

Apparently not.

Rick decides to open up his text messages and immediately realizes that was a big mistake. The first text is from Negan. Because of course it is. He’s the only idiot that will text him this early in the morning.

It says _‘THEY MADE ME DO IT’_.

Rick pauses and reads the next one.

 _‘Are you going to punch me in the face?’_ A bunch of exclamation points and question marks follow.

 _Huh?_ That’s a weird question.

Rick _always_ wants to punch Negan in the face. That testament is nothing new. In fact, he is hundred percent sure that anyone with half a brain who has met Negan wants to punch him in the face too. But, the fact that Negan is wondering _why_ is the question. He thinks that he’s only asking because Negan knows his texting woke him up. But that didn’t make any sense. Even for Negan.

Rick and Negan weren’t exactly _friends_. Rick only tolerated him because he had nothing better to do with his time.

Another lie.

Negan won’t leave him alone so Rick has no choice but to deal with his rude and unpredictable behavior. Negan isn’t that bad once you get to know him.

That was another lie.

Rick was on a roll this morning. He blames it on his lack of coffee and makes a quick mental note to attend church in the near future. Apparently all of his friend’s sins were rubbing off on him.

Rick just sends Negan a picture of his middle finger. He should get the message after that. _Pun not intended_.

He makes another mental note to go to church very soon and probably needs to buy some holy water on Amazon to pass the time until he actually goes. Maybe a Jesus shirt too.

Opening his email, he sees an article about Negan.

Scratch that.

An article about Negan and Rick.

_Together._

On a article.

The title reads _‘Negan (Author of Batshit Crazy) Faces Off Against Director of Alexandria University Claiming School Is Anti-Gay’_ and there’s an attached photo below of Negan sitting in the school’s debate room, looking already to bite someone’s head off.

He quickly clicks.

Late Sunday evening at Alexandria University’s televised class _‘Professional Athletes Take On The World’_ , spurred argument between Brian Blake and Negan Bates.

The subject jumped from how athletes deal with the added pressures of playing a sport and having a family to discussing the importance of athletes being able express their sexuality freely. The heated debate sprung from Brian Blake’s early tweet, dating back to 2011, on how _‘being gay in sports makes teammates (and others) uncomfortable and keep your eyes to yourself if you want to continue to play sports’._ See his tweet  here.

Most students were shocked and stunned, many expressing their opinions openly.

Negan, a self published author at the age of eighteen, whose book _‘Batshit Crazy: The Real Reason Why People Are Assholes’_ topped the New York Times Bestsellers List for ten months straight in 2015, had something else to say about it. When Brian Blake, one of the directors at Alexandria University, said that people needed to stop forcing their gay agenda on people, especially athletes, Negan clapped back with this statement:

“Gay agenda? You mother*bleep*! Cry me a *bleep* river! Maybe if you people got your head out of your *bleep*, you’ll realize that it’s heteronormativity that’s *bleep* the real problem! Excuse the *bleep* out of me if I want to *bleep* a man instead of *bleep* a woman! Oh and by the *bleep* way, I’ve been in a happy relationship with a guy for two years now. Rick Grimes! You all know him. And we can take any of you *bleep* heterosexuals down in a heartbeat. So you can *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*.”

The rest of his words were far too disturbing to repeat. Nonetheless, his ongoing rant earned clapping, whistling and even a standing ovation.

Rick Grimes, Negan’s apparent boyfriend of two years, is another former athlete at Alexandria University. Did these two fall in love over locker room chats or while discussing how ‘anti-gay’ their school is? There has be a reason why these former athletes are no longer playing.

Negan also informed us that his next book _‘The Ultimate Guide to Being A Gay Asshole’_ is expected to debut in six months.

Is Alexandria University, the top Ivy League school in America, really anti-gay? Voice your thoughts in the comments below!

**NEXT ARTICLE**

Negan claims ‘I Would Rather Be Fisted By The Pope Than Be Straight’ - Creates crisis

 

Oh.

 

OH.

 

_OH._

 

“But,” Rick whines, “I’m not gay!”

There is no one here to share his agony so he sends Negan another text.

_‘Yes! I do actually want to punch you in face!’_

His phone farts back quickly.

_‘Are you jealous that the Pope might fist me instead of you? Don’t worry, I’ll always have time for you :)’_

Did Negan, the son of Devil, just send him a smiley face?

_Oh God._

Rick needs coffee. Fast.

And an inhaler.

+

After Rick makes himself some coffee (he’s drinking his fourth cup as he speaks) and cries in the shower, he decides to call Michonne. She always has something logical to say.

As soon as she picks up the phone, she laughs. _Loudly_. Right in his ear. And if anyone knows Michonne, she rarely laughs at anything.

“Are you quite finished yet?” Rick deadpans after a few moments.

“Rick,” she says, like she’s crying, “This has made my morning. It’s all over the news.”

“Is it?” He suddenly feels a major headache coming on.

She just hums, clearly still amused.

“If it’s on the news…” Rick starts to panic. The weight of all this hitting him. “Oh my God! That means everyone knows! My mom, _Christ,_ my mom!”

“I can’t wait to hear about your mother’s reaction. That woman is hilarious!” Michonne says, not helping in the slightest.

“Michonne,” he’s back to whining now, “I don’t need my mom telling me that she knew that I was gay because I haven’t had a girlfriend in three years! What I need is support from my best friend. In case you missed the memo, that would be you!”

“I am supporting you,” Michonne says, sobering up from her laughter and is more calm now. Of course. “I support your decision in coming out of the closet. What I don’t support is who you are coming out of the closet with. Really, Rick? _Negan?”_

Rick realizes that there’s no coffee, drugs or alcohol strong enough to release him from this madness called his life.

“Me and Negan aren’t together! And I’m not gay!”

Michonne makes a displeased sound. “I beg to differ.”

Then she hangs up, _actually hangs up_ and he knows what she says on the matter is final. There’s no going back.

Rick pauses, thinking about what she just said. “What do you mean you beg to differ!?” he cries out to himself.

That’s an ineffective method so he texts her that instead.

She sends him an article about _‘Being Gay in America’_.

Of course.

+

Logically, the next person he decides to call is Daryl. He can’t speak to Glenn or Abraham on the matter. They both hate Negan, for good reasons, but that’s a story for another time. And he wouldn’t normally go to Abraham for advice anyways, for obvious reasons. Like _come on_ , the guy still thinks farts are funny.

Dary picks up on the second ring. “Are you dying?”

“No,” Rick snorts immediately. “Why would I call _you_ if I was?”

“I dunno know,” Daryl says. Rick knows that he’s shrugging, despite the fact he can’t see him. “You people call me for anythin’ nowadays. Glenn called me last night talkin’ about someone named Snow and how great their manbun is. I had to google what the hell a ‘manbun’ was.”

Glenn called Daryl.

_Interesting._

“That’s tragic,” Rick chuckles unsympathetically, “but did you didn’t hear anything else, y’know, involving me?” He bit his lower lip nervously, anxious to hear Daryl’s reaction. He knows he won’t laugh. Rick just remembers that Daryl hates Negan too.

Crap.

In fact, all of his friends hate Negan.

Double crap.

“Nah,” Daryl says. Rick exhales a sigh of relief. “I don’t get involved in politics and shit. All I’m hearin’ now is your country ass voice when I should be asleep.”

“You can stay up all night listening to Glenn rumble on about Jon Snow’s _manbun_? But, you can’t talk to me for two minutes?”

“Jon Snow? That’s who he was talkin’ about?” Daryl asks, completely ignoring Rick’s question. “Shit. I gotta go. Oh and Rick?”

“Yeah?” he sighs.

“I had no idea you enjoyed fisting.” The Bastard chuckles and hangs up.

Ah.

Rick had a sneaky suspicion that he had heard.

The Bastard!

He shamelessly had to admit he had now clue what fisting was. After he searches it up, he wishes he can pour bleach into his eyes.

He wants to kill someone.

Preferably Negan.

That Asshole.

Rick checks the time to see it was going on 7 AM.

THAT ASSHOLE!

+

Said asshole as the decency to call him five minutes later.

“Why me?” Rick whimpers as soon as he answers his phone. At least he’s fully awake now and prepares to choke the asshole over the phone if he needs to.

 _Hell_ , he wants to.

“Come on, Grimes! Did you not hear what that fucking bigot was saying? He was begging me to cut his dick off. It’s not my fault that I stood up for inequality, bigotry, injustice, discrimination-”

“-Oh my God-”

“Oh, I get it,” Negan snorts casually, continuing on despite Rick’s protests, “You don’t believe in standing up for gay representation? If that’s how you feel-”

“What? Will you shut up!” Rick cries out. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

Negan pauses, quieting down. “So what are you saying then, Richard? Hmm?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Rick grimaces and moves on, “I hate Brian Blake just as much as the next person. But, gay lovers, really??”

“After everything that’s happened, that’s what you choose to focus on?”

“Yes! Excuse me if I think that pretending to be lovers sends out the wrong message for lgbt representation.” Rick snorts.

“People won’t know!” Negan says. “Besides, I needed to put Blake in his place! I’ve been wanting to nail that bastard for years.”

“If you wanted to ‘nail’ him then be my guest!”

There’s an awkward pause and Rick has to check to see if the asshole hung up on him. 

“Did you just try to quote _Beauty and The Beast_?”

Rick cheeks go red instantly. “Hm. No?”

Negan chuckles. “Whatever you say, Grimes!”

“Shut up! Brian Blake isn’t the only bastard around here apparently.”

“Aw,” Negan says, sounding far too affectionate for 7AM, “you say the sweetest things.”

+

Rick ends the conversation telling Negan that he owes him.

Big time.

Negan then goes into how expensive of a boyfriend Rick is, even if their relationship is fake. Negan proceeds to joke about giving Rick something _really big._

Rick hangs up after that.

But, not before threatening to end Negan’s life with his own barbed baseball bat.

Negan hums with pleasure, stating that he loves when Rick talked dirty to him.

That being said, it has been a shitty morning.

And he still had many hours to go.

Just great.

He reads through the rest of his texts.

 _‘I’m not against it, obviously,’_ from Abraham. _‘But you could have told me.’_

 _‘Welcome to the community!’_ Tara writes.

 _‘Negan seriously???’_ Glenn never fails to be so supportive.

 _‘Get your shit together!’_  Sasha sends.

Carol’s message is so-Carol: _‘Safe sex is the best sex!’_

Morgan’s is no better. _‘God loves all of His children.’_

 _‘Fisting?’_ Maggie adds. _‘I thought you would be more into a gun play or taco kink than anything else.’_

Yeah. So overall his morning has been pretty shitty.

And he’s learned that he _really_ needs some new friends.

Well…

He’s always known, but this is just getting out of hand.

The last text is from his mother.

_‘I too enjoyed a little hand action when I was your age. Like mother, like son. Call me, Ricky.’_

 

Scratch that.

 

He needs a new life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haven't updated in awhile. feel free to call me a gay asshole. because it's true anyways.

PART TWO

‘If music be the food of love play on.’

 

 

Rick decides killing himself isn’t an option. 

 

He still has some dignity left. 

 

If it wasn’t for food, music and sex, but mostly _food_ , his life would be more tragic than a Shakespearean play.

 

It isn’t until his last class of the morning, where all of his pride, life and humanity is crushed.

 

“Mr. Grimes!” His professor (not the explosive diarrhea one) calls out to him before Rick can rush out of class or jump out the window. With Rick’s luck, he probably would just land in some bushes. The last thing he wants is for plant activists try and expel him because he crushed a  few dead leaves.

 

Rick winces and stops in the doorway, turning around with a wry smile. “I handed in my paper already, Professor Dale.”

 

“What?” Professor Dale says, confused. “No! You always write decent papers, Richard.”

 

_‘Decent?’_ Rick mentally scoffs. He spends hours of his very busy life writing twenty page essays on books and plays he’s read like a billion times in high school. How many ways can you describe Hamlet or The Odyssey before it becomes repetitive?

 

“I just wanted to ask you if your mother is aware of your sexuality?”

 

Huh?

 

How many people know about this whole _Negan and Rick_ thing?

 

Not that there’s a _thing_ to know about, but it’s been two days. Can’t people talk about something else, anything else that doesn’t have him and Negan _together?_ What about that Spencer guy sneaking off into the girl’s locker room and taking a beating from the whole girl’s volleyball team. 

 

_ The whole team. _

 

Including a six year old who ran over Spencer’s foot with her bike in the parking lot. Spencer had to get foot surgery because of _training wheels._

 

Come on!

 

That’s definitely more interesting than Rick and Negan.

 

Rick then remembers his professor asked him a question and he probably looks very stupid standing here not saying anything.

 

Rick eyebrows draw inward when he thinks about the question. “Yes?” he says, unsure why his professor is asking. He still hasn’t texted his mom back. She’s going to kill him.

 

“Really?” Professor Dale says happily. “And she’s okay with it?”

 

“Why wouldn’t she be?” Rick asks defensively. In fact, he’s pretty sure his mother is throwing a _‘my son isn’t going to die alone (at least for now) and someone actually likes him enough to be in a relationship with him’_ party.

 

“No need to get amped up like that Beymanoce chick.”

 

“Beyoncé,” Rick sighs irritably. Rick wants to punch him in the fact for how clueless Professor Dale is. Who doesn’t know Beyoncé? It’s like not knowing who Kim Kardashian is.

 

Well, _not knowing_ who that is could be a good thing. Bad example on his part.

 

“Who?” Professor Dale asks.

 

“The singer,” Rick explains slowly and then realize how ridiculous this conversation is. “Just, never mind! Was there a point to this conversation?”

 

“Oh! Right,” Professor Dale snaps his fingers, remembering his thoughts. “I need your mother’s number,” he says and sees Rick’s face and quickly adds, “for research.”

 

Ricl face palms. “She’s married.”

 

“Still?” Professor Dale scoffs like this is an inconvenience for him. “I thought her and that Hermit guy would have gotten a divorce by now.”

 

“Hershel,” Rick corrects. “And they’ve been married for five years now.”

 

“Interesting,” Professor Dale says under his breath. “Anyways, when you and Neagus—”

 

“—it’s Negan and he isn’t my—”

 

“—break up, let me know. I can set you and my son up.”

 

“I’m not interested and isn’t your son like forty?”

 

“Oh, would you look at the time?” Professor Dale says, checking his bare wrist for a nonexistent watch. “You must get going now,” he says, waving Rick out the door and slamming it in his face.

 

“I didn’t want to talk with you anyways.” Rick says through gritted teeth. He holds chin high and walks down the hallway.

 

+

 

“I feel like my fingers might fall off,” Rick says as he flexes his fingers to keep them from cramping. Him and Michonne are sitting in a populated area, in their usual seating in student union lounge. 

 

Michonne grimaces. “Please don’t do that. I have a phobia.”

 

“A phobia?” Rick tries not to laugh. “Of what? Fingers?” He wiggles his fingers around for good measure and holds back a smile when Michonne flips him in the bird. “So, does that mean you’re scared of your own fingers? How does that work?”

 

“Asshole,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I’m not scared of fingers. I just don’t like when people flex or crack their knuckles. It’s not really a phobia, more of a superstition,” she quirks an eyebrow at him. “And you really shouldn’t be talking. Should I start calling you Mr. Fist or Officer Fisty?”

 

Rick pouts. “I hate you,” The fist jokes need to die. This is Negan, that asshole’s, fault.

 

“That warms my nonexistent heart,” Michonne comments dryly. “By the way, tell your boyfriend that I want to join his campaign.”

 

“Boyfriend? I don’t have a—” Rick pauses and realizes that _oh yeah, people in this school think I’m dating that asshole Negan._ He often forgets about Negan and the _‘situation’_ in a matter of seconds. Or at least tries to forget. Negan is kind of unforgettable. “You do know that he’s not really my boyfriend, right?”

 

“Sure,” she shrugs, not looking convinced. He chooses not to ponder on that response and focuses on something else she said.

 

“Wait a second,” Rick says, “what campaign?”

 

“The Gay Pride one that Negan, your boyfriend, started last night for the LGBT club?”

 

“We have a LGBT club?”

 

“Rick,” Michonne says slowly, like she is talking to an idiot. “Are you listening? The club was just started last night too.”

 

“I’m been trying to start my own club for months now!” Rick says, upset. “Why does that asshole get to start one in just a few hours?”

 

“You wanted to start a club to kick Negan out of this school. How is that a club?”

 

Rick shrugs. “People would have signed up for it.”

 

Michonne opens her mouth and snaps it closed. “True,” she states after a moment of not having anything else to say.

 

Rick sees a familiar leather jacket coming into the entrance of the lounge.

 

Oh no. 

 

What’s the quickest way to drop dead?

 

“Shit,” he mumbles and tries to think of an escape plan. If he could get bitten by a spider and quickly develop spidey senses then maybe he could—

 

“Rick,” Michonne teases. “If you have to use the bathroom, you don’t need to ask permission, just go,” she reaches over and gives his hand a squeeze. “We’re in college now.”

 

“Hilarious,” Rick grunts and quickly ducks under the table when Negan turns his head in their direction. If he gets hit by lightning and has super speed—

 

“What are you doing?” Michonne hisses. “You almost spilled my tea over my laptop.”

 

“Sorry,” he whispers and slowly sits back up in his chair, using his book to cover his face. “I saw that demon called Negan. Try to hide me.”

 

“Yes,” Michonne says casually. “Because why would Negan think you’re here? It’s not like you don’t sit here everyday at the same time or anything. No one will ever see us, a woman with dreads and the poster boy from Alexandria University, while we’re sitting in front clear windows in the highly populated student lounge.”

 

“Can you hold back on your sarcasm for just a day?”

 

“I wouldn't me without it.”

 

“Exactly,” Rick says with a smile.

 

“RICHARD, MY LOVE!” Negan shouts from behind him suddenly and Rick _does not_ jump and he most certainly _does not_ bite his lip from shock.

 

“Oh, fuck!” Rick curses loudly, holding his lip with his hand and hoping it doesn't start bleeding. He earns looks from people trying to study close by. 

 

“Damn, you’re making my dick hard with all that moaning.” Negan says cheekily, grinning as he sits down and winks at Rick, who just glares at him.

 

“I’m leaving,” Michonne announces with disgust and starts to collect her things. Rick has never seen someone move that fast. Maybe Michonne got struck by lightning and secretly has super speed. He’s about to ask her if she’s secretly _The Flash_ , but that just sounds ridiculous (and cool) and focuses on getting her to stay. She can’t leave him alone with Negan.

 

“Michonne,” Rick whines and winces when his teeth touches his swollen lip. “Please don't leave me with him.” 

 

“I’m hurt, Richard,” Negan says, placing his hand over his heart and batting his eyelashes prettily. 

 

Wait, prettily? Rick needs to get laid. Not with Negan, _of course_ , but just in general.

 

“Your lips like you have been sucking dick for twenty hours,” Negan points out, nonchalant as ever and takes out his phone, snapping a picture.

 

“What are you doing?” Rick asks and covers his face with his hand.

 

Negan grins. “This is excellent masturbating material.”

 

“Anyways,” interjects Michonne, who thankfully is still here. “Where can I sign up for the LGBT club?” She looks like she would rather die than speak to Negan. 

 

That sounds like another club idea. _'Who you rather die than talk to Negan? Sign up for this limited time offer! It's only $9.99! We'll even include free tomatoes to throw at him! If you sign up in the next ten minutes, we'll double that offer and include free tomatoes and lettuce! Sign up at the location nearest you!'_

 

Rick makes a mental note of that.

 

“Oh,” Negan says. “It’s only for gay people.”

 

“Yeah,” she rolls her eyes. “I’m gay. So where do I sign up?”

 

“What?” Rick asks, before Negan can. “Since when are you gay?”

 

She shrugs. “I don’t know. What time is it?”

 

“It’s 12:32 PM. With Thirty four seconds left in the minute,” someone says from a nearby table. _And wow, nosey much?_ “Thirty eight, thirty nine-”

 

“We get it,” Michonne says and the stranger shrinks at her glare. “So…” she trails off, thinking. “That would mean I’ve been gay for six hours, forty seven minutes and fifty two seconds.”

 

“Wow,” says Negan with dazed look. “I turned someone gay. I don’t know rather to be pleased or insulted.”

 

“I didn’t turn gay because of you. Well, you can turn any girl into a lesbian, but when Maggie and I decided to date we-”

 

“You and Maggie? As in my step-sister, Maggie?” Rick gasps.

 

“Oh my God,” Negan groans. “That is _so_ hot.”

 

“Wait,” Rick pouts, “is that why you won’t date me?”

 

“Oh, _honey_ ,” Michonne says sympathetically, shaking her head. “That’s just one reason among many. Do you want me to send you the list of reasons?”

 

Rick nods meekly.

 

“Seriously though,” Negan says with a pleading look. “Can I watch you and Maggie kiss—”

 

Michonne walks away before Negan can finish that sentence.

 

“Okay!” Negan shouts after her. “I don’t need to be there. A video is good too!” A number of people shush him and Negan simply stands up with both of his middle fingers, grinning while waving them.

 

Rick’s phones starts to fart. He quickly answers the call from Daryl.

 

“Hello?”

 

“I think I’m dying.”

 

Rick sighs. “Did you try to boil water again?”

 

“No,” Daryl whispers. “Did you know that Glenn is Korean? All this time I was trying to learn Japanese and it was really Korean-”

 

Rick hangs up.

 

“Did Daryl try to boil water again?” Negan asks a few moments, writing something down on his notepad.

 

“No,” Rick shakes his head and asks, “what are you writing?”

 

“The first step on how to be a gay asshole.”

 

“What’s the first step?” Rick questions against his better judgement.

 

Negan grins widely. “Step One: How to fist your boyfriend, enjoy lesbian porn and eat spaghetti simultaneously.”

 

"If I could find a way to simultaneously kick your ass and start a zombie apocalypse... I would."

 


End file.
